Creed Bratton's Day Off
by HalloweenJack138
Summary: The office gradually falls into anarchy as Creed calls in sick.
1. Chapter 1

_"They'll never catch me, man, because I'm fucking innocent!"-- Dignan,_ Bottle Rocket

**Episode 2.03**

**"Creed Bratton's Day Off"**

It was a day like any other for Ninth Grade Honors Student Pam Beesly, which of course meant endless vitriolic mocking from her classmates.

It all started in the usual fashion, Jill Cooney came up to her and made what seemed like an innocent inquiry about the sweater Pam was wearing. Pam cheerfully replied that her mother had made the sweater for her... which Jill responded that much was more than obvious. From there, Jill somehow managed to trace Pam's inability to lose her virginity back _to_ the sweater and predicted the condition would exist indefinitely.

At that point Jill's boyfriend Nicholas Kittridge took this opportunity to argue that Pam would, in fact, eventually have something resembling intercourse, she just hadn't found the right person (i.e.,someone drunk and/or stupid enough).

Pam was just about to excuse herself and find some quiet corner to disappear into for all eternity, when both her classmates were chased off by her Seventh Period Art Teacher Mr. Daniels.

"Don't worry, Pam," Mr. Daniels assured her, "those kids will never get anywhere in life. but you're bright and hardworking and clever... and one day soon, the whole world will be yours."

Pam brushed her tears away and smiled. Let them laugh, she thought, in ten years, they'd all be working for her.

----

"Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam." It was ten years later to the day. Nick was a high-powered corporate lawyer, Jill was a successful New York real estate agent, and Mr. Daniels had been arrested for propositioning his students. "Hi, Creed... No, this is Pam... the receptionist... right." What he said next changed the way Pam saw the world forever.

Jim was wandering in when he noticed Pam seemed to have suddenly turned paler than usual. "What's up?" he asked as she set the phone down.

"Creed just called in sick," she replied, not really believing it herself.

----

Jim: Creed has done many, _many_ shocking things in this office in the years that he's been here... but he has never once called in sick.

Pause.

Jim: This means he actually has a better attendance record than Dwight, who takes off one Thursday and one Friday a year to attend the San Diego Comicon, he calls it a "religious holiday."

Pause.

Jim: No one's really sure how Creed is able to make it work everyday, but I think a few of us were fairly certain that he was actually sleeping here.

-----

"A temp is like a stem cell," Michael began, using his most Zen Master of tones, "you can plug them in anywhere and they immediately assume the traits of the job around them."

He smiled warmly at Ryan, who remained frozen in silent terror.

"One day, they're a salesman, the next a receptionist, the day after that... Quality Assurance," he continued softly. "This is the true value of the stem-temp."

There was a pause of notable length before Ryan awkwardly coughed out "I'm not a temp anymore... remember? You promoted me."

There was another pause.

"A new employee is like a stem cell..."

-----

Ryan: I'm fairly certain Michael's entire knowledge of stem research comes from watching Comedy Central.

-----

"Calling in sick," Dwight glowered, "I can't think of anything worse than letting physical weakness get in the way of the job. I don't know how the Company can permit it."

Jim smiled, he'd been waiting for this a long time. "How do you think the Company would feel about you writing fanfiction on the job?"

Something dropped out behind Dwight's face. "I don't write fanfiction," he said just incredibly unconvincingly.

Jim pulled a battered manuscript out of one of the drawers of his desk and began to read aloud. "'It was during his adventures that your Uncle Bilbo came into possession of this Ring,' Gandalf bellowed with a silence that could shake the mountains. 'He saw in it a great power and he knew that it would one day come to you, so he decided he must keep it safe at all costs. He knew that many were the Armies of the Dark Lord and that never would they surrendered in their quest to find the Ring, and so he decided to keep it concealed...'" Jim paused, seeing the words waiting in front of him and feeling the need to make the moment linger. "'.._.inside his arse_. Then he came to entrust the care of the Ring to me and I hid it in my arse and now, Frodo Baggins, the Ring comes to you...'"

Faced with his own handiwork, Dwight nearly swallowed his own face.

"So... that's a Lord of the Rings-Pulp Fiction crossover?" Jim asked, feeling extremely proud of himself for having finally had a chance to bring this moment into being.

Dwight, again, said nothing.

"That's some nice work there, Dwight," Jim said nodding.

Andy, meanwhile, took the momentary distraction as an opportunity to slip away in the direction of Quality Assurance.

"So, Big Turkey," Andy called over as he swaggered over to Creed's desk, "I hear you're taking over for Obi Wan today."

"So it would seem," Ryan nodded weakly.

"Does that mean you will be managing _all_ of his duties?" Andy asked surreptitiously.

Ryan eyed him with hostile confusion. "What do you mean?" he asked, suspecting that he didn't want to know the answer.

Andy looked left, then right, then leaned closer to Ryan than he would have liked and whispered "Well... I've been having some _joint pain_ lately. You know, some _pain_ in my _joints_ and..." he smiled in a manner Ryan was sure he thought was subtle "...Creed is usually the one I go to when I need some _joint medicine_. So I was thinking that if you were picking up the slack for Big Crabby..."

"Yeah... sorry... I don't have anyway marijuana to sell you, Andy," Ryan replied loudly, brightly, and matter-of-factly.

"Whoa-whoa-whoa, Turkey!" Andy raised his hands and backed away from Ryan as though he had suddenly become a hot stove. "Be cool."

For the first time in months, Ryan found himself smiling at work.

----

Creed had almost forgotten how amazing it felt to wake next to a beautiful woman.

Waking up next to a beautiful woman with her own Nintendo Wii, however, turned out to be even better.

Their relationship was not without its problems, of course, her father didn't approve of Creed and let him know that in no certain terms. Creed didn't let it faze him, though, he just picked up his pancakes and left the breakfast table.

Once breakfast was complete, Creed quickly disrobed (again, to the inexplicable hostility of her father) and rushed up the stairs, eager to hit the shower.

Creed generally preferred to allow his natural musk to be tempered only by the judicious application of Hai Karate, but this wasn't most days.

No, today was _special._

----

Creed: My name is William Charles Ertmoed Xiang Bratton and this is my day off.


	2. Chapter 2

If the camera crew had any issues with filming Creed in the shower, they didn't let it stop them. (They would later defend it as an excellent opportunity to try out their new water-proof camera, but that's neither here nor there.)

"The Sixties were a different time," Creed explained as he applied generous amounts of Herbal Essence to his short, thin hair. "All that music and sex and weed..."

The camera then lingered on his wistful expression long enough to fully establish that he had completely forgotten what he was saying.

Then it just kept lingering.

And lingering.

And _lingering. _

Finally, Creed once again for the first time realized that he was being filmed, and started on another train of thought that only by chance happened to vaguely similar to what he had been saying previously.

"Back when I was in the Grass Roots... those were the best times of my life," he reflected, trying to shape his hair into a mohawk and failing due to lack of material. "The people, the drugs..." he paused thoughtfully. "Then everybody started dying for some reason."

For a moment he stared baffled at the faucet as though it somehow held all the answers.

"Janis... Jimi... Ringo... I always figured I'd be next," he shrugged. "Never thought I'd live this long."

Creed then stepped out of the shower (regardless of the fact that it was still running) and began to vigorously dry himself off with the bath-mat.

"I've got a life here in Stanton, but..." he reflected. "Some times you just want the freedom to let the boys dangle in the wind."

----

"Hello, this is Ryan with Dunder-Mifflin Quality Assurance, this is just your regular follow-up call."

There was a pause while the party on the other line made their reply.

"Um... yes, we do that, ma'am," Ryan insisted weakly.

There was another pause.

"Since_ always_," he mumbled, feeling like nothing more than a little lost penguin. "No, I don't know why you haven't been called before, but..."

At this point, the customer was so loud Pam could clearly make out each syllable from across the room.

"No, I'm not trying to steal your credit card numbers, ma'am. I'm sorry if that's happened to you before, but..."

-----

Ryan, brightly: You know... I've already learned as more about the way businesses work from Creed than Michael ever taught me.

-----

Meanwhile, in the doorway to the kitchenette, two young lovers were the middle of an intense debate.

"There's no way he'll fall for that, Jim," Karen argued.

"And I'm telling you he will," Jim calmly replied.

Karen chanced a casual look Dwight's way... then shook her head. "There's just no way anyone could be_ that_ out of touch with reality."

Jim cocked his head to the side and took a moment to really look at her. "You really _haven't_ gotten used to this office yet, have you?"

Then, before she could even offer a reply, Jim bolted off in the direction of his desk, intent on proving to his lover and the world just how out of touch one person could be.

"Hey, Dwight," Jim began, practically bouncing on his heels. "Have you heard about Creed?"

Dwight didn't even look up from his screen. "Of course I did, he's sick. We already discussed this."

"But have you heard _how _sick Creed is?" Jim asked, leaning in.

Dwight lowered his hostility level slightly and upped his curiosity to compensate. "What are you talking about?"

Jim pretended to check for secret listeners, then began to speak very softly. "Creed has some kind of new super-virus." He paused dramatically while to recall what little medical science he could remember from b-grade Horror movies. "It looks like some for of... necrotizing phazonitis." Jim paused darkly. "The worst part is... he's highly contagious."

When Dwight began to look even sicker than usual, Jim knew his plan was working.

"They had to seal him up in a plastic bubble," Jim explained, "like John Travolta in that movie."

"'Saturday Night Fever?'" Dwight asked.

Jim paused. "Yep," he decided, "that's the one."

There was a horrible pause that Jim couldn't help but treasure.

"Of course," he added after he felt the appropriate amount of stewing had taken place, "that wouldn't do anything for the people who were _already_ infected."

Dwight froze, then looked rapidly around the room. Suddenly Creed-germs seemed to be everywhere; he could_ feel_ them crawling just beneath his skin. And while his faith in his Schrute-genes was total, he wasn't sure that they'd ever faithed anything on the level of this terrible new C-Virus.

Recognizing that this was time to bring it on home, Karen stepped in. "Oh my god, Dwight," she began, trying her best to sound panicked, "yesterday Creed was using that... pencil!"

She and Jim each took a broad step away from the desks.

"Run, Karen!" Jim commanded. "We can still save ourselves!"

-----

Karen sighs.

Karen: My last boyfriend had a foot fetish.

She stares at the camera meaningfully.

Karen: At least with Jim's addiction I can still wear comfortable shoes.

-----

"This is my girlfriend Katie Kelly," Creed explained, gesturing to a girl several decades too young for him who had fallen asleep in an Algebra book.

"Sometimes I like to watch her sleep," Creed confided. Then, after a gentle moment, added "and sometimes I just take pictures."

Creed then took the time to really _look_ at the slumbering girl. As he gazed down at her, his eyes warmed over with the kind of deep, all-embracing love that's can't help but seem unbelievably creepy.

"Some day, I'm going to marry that girl," Creed reflected aloud.

The was a pause of reflection.

"You know," he added, "when _the Law_ says she'd ready."

-----

Darryl: "How do _I_ feel about Jim's little pranks?"

Pause.

Darryl: Well, let me ask you something: how do I feel about _anything_ that makes more work for me?

-----

"Mike," Darryl simultaneously pleaded and threatened, "you've got to do something about your boy."

"Who, Ryan?" Michael asked, no more confused than usual. "I think he's doing a great job..."

"Not the kid," Darryl corrected angrily, "_Schrute_."

Michael sighed. "Oh, God, what's he done this time?"

-----

Dwight had wedged himself into one of the aisles between the shelves of the warehouse. Armed with a roll of Saran Wrap he had liberated from the kitchenette, Dwight has begun to build himself the most pathetic cocoon ever hatched out by any living organism.

"Come on, Dwight," Lonny cried, "we gotta get back to work."

"This is for your own safety," Dwight insisted stoically. "My fall-out shelter is on the other side of town and this is the most isolated area I could reach without risking spreading the contagion."

In that moment, Schrute finally came to overwhelm Michael as the company's greatest single annoyance in Lonny's mind. "_What?_"

Dwight looked at Lonny as though he were seeing him for the first time. True, he was an idiot, but who (other than Dwight himself and Michael) wasn't around here? And even an idiot can play a crucial role in history,Tom Hanks proved that in "Apollo 13." But, at the end of the day, Lonny was all he had.

"If I start to show any symptoms," Dwight whispered seriously. "Any... _zombie-like symptoms_... you're going to have to kill me."

----

Lonny, dead serious: You got that on tape, right? Tell me you got him saying that on tape?


End file.
